Positive Attitudes won't fix bad Relationships

There is not doubt that having a positive attitude is a prerequisite to being proactive.  As Steven Covey's first principle of effectiveness states "be proactive"; without proactivity nothing good will happen in your life. When you are proactive then you take responsibility for your life and choices, it is the precondition for good things to happen.

Proactive people are the only people that will see new opportunities and be able to take advantage of them.

We have all met people that are perpetually negative or cynical and feel that nothing good will ever happen.   For these people nothing ever works out and they have dozens of reasons why a new venture will not succeed.  It is true that not every venture succeeds, but these people will tell you that nothing will ever succeed.  These people cut themselves off from opportunities are best avoided.

Having a positive attitude is a necessary component of success but it is insufficient to guarantee it.

Having a positive attitude will do nothing to change a systemic problem.  A positive attitude will help you realize a bad situation and choose to change your situation, but a positive attitude will not change the situation, for example:

• Having a positive attitude will not cause anyone to stop perpetrating domestic abuse
• Having a positive attitude will not change a tyrant boss who is creating a poor work environment
• Having a positive attitude will not cause the economy to get better
• Having a positive attitude will not enable a child having problems at school to resolve them

It is amazing to think that people feel that if everyone had a positive attitude then the economy would get better right now.  Unfortunately, the current economic problems are the result of poor choices by people over the last 50 years.  This will not be solved by people changing the way they perceive the problem, it will only be changed by people trying to do something about it.  

When source of a problem is not caused by you having a negative attitude then the situation can't be fixed by you adopting a positive attitude.

Seeing everything in a positive light can put you in real danger.  We have read horror stories of young people in sunny destinations that meet with untimely demises.  Some of these events happen because the young person in question is too naive to understand that not everyone is decent -- positive thinking will not cause other people to behave well.

When you are faced with a situation caused by someone who does not behave ethically there is nothing that a positive attitude will do to change them.

When faced with a situation caused by an unethical person the only choice is to get away from them.

Of course those situations are relatively rare.  The more common situation that people get into bad relationships with either another person or an employer.  The solution in both cases is to adopt a positive attitude and end the relationship with either the person or your employer.

People stay in bad relationships either with another person or with their employer because "they have no choice".  While theoretically there may be a few individuals that really don't have a choice, the vast majority of people who use this phrase actually do have a choice, they simply choose not to exercise it.

When you are in a bad relationship that is caused by the fundamental differences of your belief system and theirs, there is nothing that a positive attitude will do to resolve the differences.  If anything, adopting a positive attitude as a solution is more likely to have you prolong a relationship that has become bad if not toxic.

The common theme in all these examples is that a positive attitude will not fix the conditions of the situation that you are in, especially if the situation is caused by external forces (i.e. partner or work).  However, having a positive attitude is essential for you to take responsibility and put as much distance between yourself and the bad situation.

A positive attitude is the only thing that will allow you to pick yourself up and walk away from a bad or toxic situation.

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The sooner that you leave a bad relationship, the less damage you will take, the less defensive you will be in the future, and the sooner you can start healing.