We all form models of how reality works and after observing the same phenomena many times we believe that it is true. For example, we use "scientific fact" for any observation that has been verified by many people for which there is no known counter example. e.g. we believe that if you drop a rock it will fall because of gravity.
We now know that Newtonian physics is valid until we start dealing with very fast objects and then we need to use Einsteinian physics. So with respect to relativity, Newtonian physics is surprisingly no longer true, in fact, Newtonian physics is a degenerate case of Einsteinian physics.
So even in science, truth depends on your context.
Until the 14th century the truth was that the world was flat. We now say that people once believed that the world was flat. If you grow up in a homogeneous religious community then you are likely to believe that everyone sees that religion as the truth. As you grow up, and leave the context of your community then you learn that there are other religions out there. What was true for you in your community will turn out to be a belief for people outside your community.
Just because you Believe it, doesn't make it True
What is true for one person is simply a belief for someone else. Here are some examples of where people have definitive beliefs, e.g. some believe:
- that it is impolite to interrupt
- that premarital sex is unacceptable
- that one religion is more correct than others
- that government should be smaller
- that everyone is trying to get ahead
- that wearing revealing clothing is acceptable
However, we all discover things in our life that we thought were true only to discover that they were only true in a local context. A big part of maturing is learning that our world and understanding can always get larger. We learn that a solution in one context does not make for a solution in a different context.
We Actually have very Little in Common with Others
When two or more people need to collaborate over an extended period of time in any project will be exposed to each other's beliefs. The ability of each individual to accept the beliefs of the other person will define what kind of collaboration is possible.
The most fertile collaborations happen when each person in a team accepts the beliefs of the other people. Accepting beliefs means not being frustrated that some else believes something different. Just because you accept that different beliefs exist is not an endorsement of those beliefs.
Problems start when you reject another person's belief. Once you reject another's belief you will start a process full of disagreement, defense, and destruction. Learn about the cycle of destruction in the Communications Catalyst.People may refuse to listen to different beliefs when they are not secure in their own beliefs or when they are afraid of what it would mean if the other belief was true. Sometimes we are simply embarrassed to have had a belief for many years only to discover that it might not be true.
Amazingly, we all have beliefs that are not true. We have an innate ability to ignore observations that contradict our beliefs and we can carry these blind spots for our entire life. For example, it is common to say "Why did X do that?"; what you are really saying is "I would never do that, why did they do that?". This is a clear case of observing someone with a different belief, yet we will ignore it and continue to support our own belief.
Learning to tolerate others is the mark of a mature person. Intolerance does nothing but break relationships and bring destruction. Tolerance is not simply keeping quiet externally while cringing internally when other people talk about their beliefs. Tolerance is accepting that it is normal other people think differently than we do without wanting to change what they believe.
Conflict and Learning
When two people discover that they have different beliefs it is important to start by acknowledging that: 1) there is some subject on which they have different beliefs, and 2) acknowledge anything that the other person has said that you DO believe. This principle is covered in depth in How to Win Friends and Influence People. Remember, just because you believe something does not make it true.
Once each person has acknowledged anything that the other has said you will have a common ground for moving forward. The next step is to acknowledge that your beliefs are different and that neither person will win by simply being assertive or using power.
If you are really in a situation where one person's belief is wrong then the only way to resolve the issue will be to find a 3rd party source. Otherwise the conflict will degenerate into a power struggle. Even when radically different beliefs are present, tolerance will enable you to find ways to collaborate.
Conclusion
- We encounter conflict every day because we confuse beliefs and the truth.
- Acknowledging that we do not have the inside track on truth is key to resolving differences with others.
- You can accept a different belief without endorsing it.
- It is important to acknowledge things that you can agree on, it shows respect to the other party.
- Look to 3rd party mediators to ensure that the conflict does not become personal.
- The only way to have productive relationships with others is through tolerance of other people.
